I'M REALLY MADE UP TONIGHT! MY BUTTERFLY METAMORPHOSIS PHOTO AND STORY IS IN THE BBC'S JANUARY 2014 EDITION OF THEIR WILDLIFE MAGAZINE WHICH I GOT IN ON MY FIRST ATTEMPT! I'M HOPING IT'S JUST THE BEGINNING AS I WANT TO EVENTUALLY BECOME A FULL TIME WILDLIFE AND LANDSCAPE PHOTOGRAPHER AND CONSERVATIONIST!  FEELING GOOD! =)

I want to share a thought...a realization with you I have unfortunately had to come to today which is maybe a bit deep for some...sorry..it's the creative side of me romanticizing something which is actually dark and unsettling but never the less I hope it helps at least one person through a difficult time as I have just had and in a way am still going through...Here goes....

I entered what I thought was a very beautiful woodland, tempted and enticed by how handsome it was and all it promised and offered me... I wanted and was more than willing to lose myself in it.....giving into strong impulses....I took an excited deep breath and stepped in! For a short time my heart, mind, body and soul sung with joy as I danced around it's trees...embracing it with a warm genuine caress, feeling as contented and full of life and love as I had never felt before, but suddenly I found myself in dappled light which it threw to the ground unexpectedly and which quickly faded into pitch black....before I knew it I was lost in a very deep dark forest.I did not see this coming and was blinded by the intensity of it. 

For what seemed like an eternity, I desperately attempted to clutch at anything I could grip hold of as I didn't want to let go....it gave me a temporary feeling of safety, but no matter how gentle I was and tried to adjust my grip so I wouldn't snap the brittle and numerous twigs, they just snapped off in my hand. I felt like I was fighting for my life and for a dream of what could be, and an end to all the struggle in which I convinced myself I could see a victory for both me and the woodland..."there had to be a little green bud hid in there somewhere in the thick undergrowth I could find and delicately raise with gentleness, patience and understanding till it grew stronger and taller than all of its unforgiving, imprisoning, over shadowing, claustrophobic surroundings, I was sure it could break the canopy and take it's first breath of real freedom from the stagnant air it had only ever known?......and I could hitch a ride and escape too, holding onto it as it soared !!!" but my search proved fruitless, all I found was that I had painful and deepening wounds with every failed attempt.

Every now and then the woodland would put out a branch..something more solid for me to cling too....but it was just a trick and very quickly that too would turn to decayed wood in my hand and slip through my fingers....with every tiniest piece that fell to the ground.....I felt like I had let go of and lost a major part of me and more importantly....US...and it was out of my control!

I did not know I was coming near to the end of my exhausting battle through the very dense, tangled, snagging and what was now a Jungle, in fact I had totally lost sight of any kind of end at all, I had lost the fight in me and had grown tired an excepted defeat to it and my fate, but by accident I stumbled out of the darkness and into the bright light of the day!!... It's only once I took a look back over my shoulder I realized how lost and how entangled I had been without really knowing I had sucome to the grip of a something so very dark, controlling and twisted....that which was the mind of another person!!... a person who I had totally devoted myself to and trusted with every part of me with my heart, mind, body and soul, and who I had given myself to completely and forever!

I did not come out victorious and it was definitely not the outcome I wanted as I really wanted us to be one always, entwined and living in blissful harmony together for our eternity.

I will always bear some scars from it all and all the sharp cutting edges, but they will fade with time. What's sad is that what I leave behind is something I thought once very beautiful and cared deeply for and with a strong urge to protect and nurture, but which no matter what time and energy I put into loving it and supporting it to grow into something breath taking.. can never be saved from it's own choking grip, it is to deeply routed in poisonous foundations. It is condemned to rot itself away without even realizing it. It breaks my heart to see something that could have been so wonderful destroy itself, but sometimes no matter how hard you try to save something...sometimes it beyond your control, it is endangered beyond measure and nature will take it's course.. and one day it will become extinct without ever realizing it's full and beautiful potential.

Take care of the seeds you sow, learn ways to help something or someone out from there very beginnings as they emerge and bloom...whether you be, Friend.....Family....Caretaker...Passer by......Preacher...Teacher.....Observer......scientist or whatever!......you and we have a responsibility to everyone and everything with each word or action if you want a positive future...not only for each individual and yourself....but society as a whole! Make the choice to ..love...give peace of heart and mind... respect....and wish health and happiness to each and every living thing...otherwise you may become that dark, entangled mess from which you may never truly escape... I really feel we need to look for inner happiness and peace and belief in ourselves.....I am now on a new quest to do this....I'm sure doing and achieving this can give a good core to stabilize yourself as you go through life's turbulence....and the strength to do the right thing by others and for others! Don't ever compromise what you know is right and good! Let go of something which is beyond your control, stop trying to.....choose to go with it or move in the opposite direction, forgive, make peace with others as well as yourself because you can only truly move forward once you have, be thankful for everything good in your life and in the world, even if you are struggling to think of anything, the smallest thing could be the beginning of something that will blossom into something amazing, even if it is a tiny piece of goodness you salvaged from all of the bad! Optimistically thinking once again... with a touch more of realistic than before, when I thought all was lost.... Amanda!